When I realized that the subject of our asocial tendency was too lengthy to be discussed in a single article, this was supposed to be part two of a THREE part series. This is where I was going to ask the question, “Are our asocial tendencies detrimental to us?” This is one of those “mine field” issues that should be handled very carefully by anyone who dares to ask it. Any non asocial or anti-social, neural typical or otherwise, stands a better than average chance of having this blow up in their face. Especially if they suggest that there are simple solutions that will enable us to stop being who we have always been.
Even though I am an Aspie who has had asocial tendencies all of my life, some of my fellow Aspies might misinterpret my confidence in the principles that I advocate as arrogant and judgmental. Such might mistakenly believe that I that view myself as the standard in which all Autistics and Aspies should live up to. I AM NOT! I hope to accomplish two things by this second part of this series. First, I want to acknowledge my own weakness so my fellow asocials and anti socials do not view me as judging or condemning them in the next two parts of this series. Second, the specific issue that I bring up is a sore spot for many of us asocials and anti socials; courtship.
Many extroverts, as well as those who have a more typical level of social interaction, seem have problems comprehending the notion that no pep talk is going to give the majority of us asocials and anti socials the confidence we need to stop being ourselves. This is a much bigger factor for us men then the women because the burden of starting the courtship is supposed to be on us. If a man likes a woman, then the man is supposed to go to the women and ask her out. The least harshest assumption that a woman might make if the he does not ask her out is that he must not interested. I have met women over the years that seem to believe that any man that is too timid to ask out a woman is not confident in himself as a man.
The bottom line for me is that I am about five weeks away from turning forty-one as of the time that I wrote this in March of 2010, and I have never been married. Whenever this subject comes up, everyone starts giving me the same pat answers that I have heard a million times before. People who barely know me tell me the reason that I do not have a girl friend is because of this or that, and I am sick and tired of hearing it over and over again.
The one thing that I hate hearing from women the most is that they cannot believe that I have never been married, especially when it comes before or immediately after them declining to go out with me just once. Logic suggests that if I am really as good as they say I am, then they should be willing to give me at least one opportunity to show them who I am at a more intimate level. If they are not willing to do so, then I must not be that great. Then they ask me, “Why have you never been married?” My response, “You tell me. You just declined to go out with me just one time. Why did you just choose to do so? That is one of the many reasons why I have never gotten married.” The inability for women to answer such questions is like salt in an open wound.
I have talked in Christian singles groups about what we all want in a mate. What I have heard women describe as the attributes of what they consider to be the “perfect” man is essentially their rendition of what is referred to as “Fruits of the Spirit” (…love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control… [Galatians 5:22-23]). These are the very character attributes that I have strived to develop in my own life in order that I can be the best Christian that I can be. I once had one women acknowledge that I did meet all of her criteria for what she wanted in a man, but she for reasons that even puzzled her, just was not interested in me. This clearly shows that I cannot get a date even if I am everything that a woman wants. Meanwhile, I have seen time and time again, women gravitating to men that epitomize everything that they say they do not want in a man.
My courtship issues get worst when well meaning friends try to match make for me because they always try to match me with someone who is simply not interested. This fact they refuse to except as they twist the arms of both in order to get them to say maybe. After all, maybe is on step below yes, right? Wrong! Maybe (especially when said by a woman with domestic violence in her background) mean, “Ok, ok! I will be friendly towards the guy just to get you off my back. However, if I feel the slightest sense of fear that history may repeat its self, I will run for my life.” The inability of well meaning match makers to figure this out has ruined many of what might have meaningful platonic relationships.
So, how do I summarize everything I just wrote in two sentences or less? After all, that is all that the all knowing what to be counselors will let you say before interrupting you with their pat answers. Is it any wonder that some many people choose to embrace asocial and anti social techniques of dealing with their problems. Even the most intervened people I know will choose to deal in an asocial manner in such areas of their lives. So many of the issues that Autistics and Aspies deal with, although they may seem to be the same as the ones that all people deal with, can at times be far more complex than for a neural typical.
I hope that this helps my fellow asocials and anti social to realize that as I encourage them to reach out of their protective shell, that I do not do so in arrogance. I know that this is hard. However, I know from personal experience that the benefits of doing so. In part three of this series, I intend to show why it is worth the risk. In part four, I will share with you the kind of groups that have provided me with the most positive experiences.
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